Comedy Writing

On the day that the tickets go on sale, or lottery pick, or ballot allocation, or whatever they are describing the process of fleecing the great British public out of up to £2012 of hard earned dosh per ticket, the official count down clock situated in the heart of London's Trafalgar Square stops counting down! Apparently the contract signed by his right foppishness Boris (the ball bag) Johnson, Mayor Of London didn't stipulate what kind of sand should be used!

There are lots of public services feeling the pinch of that smarmy git George Osbourne's austerity measures at the moment. He has been going over his budget cuts in front of the cabinet ....the one with the gold and jewel encrusted louis the fourteenth mirror plonked on top in his bathroom! Rehearsing for the speech, where he will tell us and the rest of his multiple millionaire government to tighten our belts as he tightens his Louis Vuiton crocodile skin one


The ambulance service has announced that they will only respond to emergency calls from people living or should I say dying at the top of a hill with a clear run down the hill to the hospital.


The metropolitan police have announced that all political and royal escort outriders will from now on be riding, and stopping the traffic on mountain bikes! So all you student types out there can easily stop another royal car for a bit of re-painting and photo opportunities by simply sticking your placard pole through the lead riders spokes!


Miners helmets are to be issued to people at their own expense for when they want to venture out at night as all street lighting in residential areas will be switched off, and street lighting in towns and cities will be switch on and off at regular milli second intervals throughout the night, at least all the weekend piss heads will still think they are in the disco as they stumble along the strobing streets!


Apparently if you are a fat, overweight, obese midget a certain weight watching company doesn't want to know your problems and refuses to allow you to register on their website unless you tell them a porky pie about your height and make out you are well above the four foot threshold. At least by doing so you will be stretching your cyber self, so that your excess weight will be an irrelevance, which will mean that their services won't be needed after all ...simples!


The recent events in Japan are truly mind blowing and so sad to watch but I found myself gripped by the television coverage of the carnage, and then the aftermath.

A sixty year old man was found floating on what was described as a house roof ten miles out to sea by the Japanese navy. When they rescued him he was very angry with them and insisted they put him back on his raft as he wasn't adrift at all he was paddling his make shift raft to get as far away from the three nuclear reactors that were going into melt down!


The Americans have sent in the seventh fleet and have yet another aircraft carrier on standby off shore. Just how many aircraft carriers do the yanks have at their disposal, it kicks off in Egypt and there suddenly appears an aircraft off the coast in the red sea. Civil war rages on Libya and hey presto an American aircraft carrier steams into the mediterranean sea awaiting off shore to assist in any humanitarian way required. A chip pan fire happens in a house in middle wallop and low and behold an aircraft carrier is seen steaming up the high street and weighs anchor in the duck pond ready to assist if required!


Binocular the 2010 cheltenham champion hurdle winner has been withdrawn from this years festival due to an allergic reaction, yes an allergic reaction to the enormous syringe needle and the cocktail of speed inducing drugs pumping through his veins! I am kidding of course it was nothing quite so dramatic, it was a reaction to bed bugs!

Sent from my iPhone4

Comedy Sketch

Welcome and good evening, good afternoon, good morning, ladies and gentlemen, lady and gentleman, ladies or gentlemen, lady or gentleman or any combination of the above, well I am nothing if not politically correct in my introduction and we all know how politically correct aunty beeb likes to be. I don't know what time of day and what sexual demographic this cd is going to be listened to by now do I? One has to keep all the bases covered when it comes down to the BBC comedy judging panel. I don't know if this is being listened to by a lone lady or gentleman in a broom cupboard somewhere in to depths of a BBC outpost or being popped in a beatbox on the stage of the radio theatre in front of hundreds of discerning comedy loving fans, in which case I apologise right here and now for literally shitting myself!!

I know the BBC is going through an austerity drive at the moment as we all are but to have us poor unsuspecting, budding comedy writers (slash) performers providing their staff with tea cup coasters in the form of Rewritable CD's is going far too far. I hope mine ends up underneath the Daily Politics mug of Andrew Neil. I have tried desperately for years to get my hands on one of those mugs. Religiously waiting, fingers poised over the keyboard to type in to google the things I see on the guess the year competition, then blasting off an email to the show, only to be let down by some also-ran politician at the end of the show as he OR she picks out the winner from the enormous mug. At least I would have the satisfaction that my BBC comedy entry cd was being put to good use!

There are lots of public services feeling the pinch of the smarmy git Osbourne's austerity measures at the moment.

The ambulance service has announced that they will only respond to emergency calls from people living or should I say dying at the top of a hill with a clear run down the hill to the hospital.

The metropolitan police have announced that all political and royal escort outriders will from now on be riding, and stopping the traffic on mountain bikes! So all you student types out there can easily stop another royal car for a bit of re-painting and photo opportunities by simply sticking your placard pole through the lead riders spokes!

Miners helmets are to be issued to people at their own expense for when they want to venture out at night as all street lighting in residential areas will be switched off, and street lighting in towns and cities will be switch on and off at regular milli second intervals throughout the night, at least all the weekend piss heads will still think they are in the disco as they stumble along the strobing streets!

Apparently if you are a fat, overweight, obese midget a certain weight watching company doesn't want to know your problems and refuses to allow you to register on their website unless you tell them a porky pie about your height and make out you are well above the four foot threshold. At least by doing so you will be stretching your cyber self, so that your excess weight will be an irrelevance, which will mean that their services won't be needed after all ...simples!

Sent from my iPhone4

The Benidorm Girl Comes Home

It has been rather strange this week.  My Mum has been in Benidorm with her dancing (biddies) buddies and I have had this funny feeling of anxiety.  I kept checking my phone for a text message, which was unusual for me, but after the initial text telling me that they had arrived safely and the usual weather report there had been no contact until I texted her asking her when the flight was due back in to Manchester including the usual "hope you have had a nice time" included.

I logged on to the Manchester airport website and checked the arrivals.  Thankfully they had arrived ahead of schedule and my anxiety levels diminished substantially.  After a few hours of waiting fr her to phone telling me that she was home I couldn't wait any longer.  She answered her mobile phone and was on her way home in the minibus dropping off the gang.  She seemed tired and down, after a minute of making sure she was alright she told me that she had lost her suitcase!   I started laughing and couldn't help myself.  Was my anxiety a premonition of nothing more than lost luggage?

She wasn't laughing of course, she was worried.

I have just spoken to her and found out that she was worried because she had packed her jewellery, which is not exactly the crown jewels but worth more to her for sentimental value than any mace, sceptre or crown could ever do.  To top it all a pouch containing a tiny amount of my Dads ashes that she carries with her everywhere was in the suitcase too.  Why on earth did you pack these things in your suitcase I asked her, she replied that she thought her suitcase was the safest place.  She has not flown for some years!

Hopefully the suitcase will turn up soon and she will be reunited with the items that mean the world to her.

Update: Thankfully the suitcase has turned up safe and sound!

A Mad Woman Stalker And The New iPad2

Stalker

The house sale is going through once again.  Please forgive my scepticism at this stage but the whole process has been a bloody nightmare and terribly stressful for Debra.  We have had the sale fall through twice through no fault of ours and incompetence from all quarters that would make a Monty Python sketch seem realistic.

Well I had better explain the title of this blog.  It is somewhat misleading to be honest as describing Debra as a stalker would cause her to grab my goolies and swing me around the room. "she's a stalker... she's a STALKER!!! ;-)".  Of course she isn't but she could have been mistaken for one yesterday if she had been just a few seconds faster along a certain road.... read on it will become clearer.

The house sale details dropped trough the letter box and onto the mat early on Monday morning, which was another step toward our ultimate goal.  Within the letter was a form showing the full postal address of the purchasers, which by coincidence is very close to where Debra works.  Is it beginning to sink in?  She decided to take a drive past the house, just to have a nosey as to what type of people were buying from us.  What you can glean from a swift drive by is beyond me but there you go.  She drove slowly along the road taking in the area and the houses until she came to the address in question.  Right then a car reversed from the driveway of said house at breakneck speed and almost slammed into Debra's car.  Thankfully an accident was narrowly avoided and both parties drove off, one oblivious as to what had just happened and the other shaken and definitely stirred!  Debra telephone me and relayed the occurrences as they had happened.  I informed her that if an accident had occurred she would have had to pass her details to the woman who would have just picked up off her doormat and read the same house sale pack with our home address details inside.  Now that would have taken some explaining!

How disastrous  it would have been for the house sale to fall through again due to curiosity.

All is well, the house sale is still going through and Debra is avoiding certain roads in the vicinity of her work area thank goodness!

iPad 2

As for the iPad 2..... I am a sad gadget freak that just has to have one of these amazing devices, trying desperately to justify the expenditure to myself and failing to do so ...so far.  I am sure by the time they go on sale in a few weeks time I will have convinced myself that the Mangini household will not be able to function without one.

Wish Me Luck

:)