On the day that the tickets go on sale, or lottery pick, or ballot allocation, or whatever they are describing the process of fleecing the great British public out of up to £2012 of hard earned dosh per ticket, the official count down clock situated in the heart of London's Trafalgar Square stops counting down! Apparently the contract signed by his right foppishness Boris (the ball bag) Johnson, Mayor Of London didn't stipulate what kind of sand should be used!
There are lots of public services feeling the pinch of that smarmy git George Osbourne's austerity measures at the moment. He has been going over his budget cuts in front of the cabinet ....the one with the gold and jewel encrusted louis the fourteenth mirror plonked on top in his bathroom! Rehearsing for the speech, where he will tell us and the rest of his multiple millionaire government to tighten our belts as he tightens his Louis Vuiton crocodile skin one
The ambulance service has announced that they will only respond to emergency calls from people living or should I say dying at the top of a hill with a clear run down the hill to the hospital.
The metropolitan police have announced that all political and royal escort outriders will from now on be riding, and stopping the traffic on mountain bikes! So all you student types out there can easily stop another royal car for a bit of re-painting and photo opportunities by simply sticking your placard pole through the lead riders spokes!
Miners helmets are to be issued to people at their own expense for when they want to venture out at night as all street lighting in residential areas will be switched off, and street lighting in towns and cities will be switch on and off at regular milli second intervals throughout the night, at least all the weekend piss heads will still think they are in the disco as they stumble along the strobing streets!
Apparently if you are a fat, overweight, obese midget a certain weight watching company doesn't want to know your problems and refuses to allow you to register on their website unless you tell them a porky pie about your height and make out you are well above the four foot threshold. At least by doing so you will be stretching your cyber self, so that your excess weight will be an irrelevance, which will mean that their services won't be needed after all ...simples!
The recent events in Japan are truly mind blowing and so sad to watch but I found myself gripped by the television coverage of the carnage, and then the aftermath.
A sixty year old man was found floating on what was described as a house roof ten miles out to sea by the Japanese navy. When they rescued him he was very angry with them and insisted they put him back on his raft as he wasn't adrift at all he was paddling his make shift raft to get as far away from the three nuclear reactors that were going into melt down!
The Americans have sent in the seventh fleet and have yet another aircraft carrier on standby off shore. Just how many aircraft carriers do the yanks have at their disposal, it kicks off in Egypt and there suddenly appears an aircraft off the coast in the red sea. Civil war rages on Libya and hey presto an American aircraft carrier steams into the mediterranean sea awaiting off shore to assist in any humanitarian way required. A chip pan fire happens in a house in middle wallop and low and behold an aircraft carrier is seen steaming up the high street and weighs anchor in the duck pond ready to assist if required!
Binocular the 2010 cheltenham champion hurdle winner has been withdrawn from this years festival due to an allergic reaction, yes an allergic reaction to the enormous syringe needle and the cocktail of speed inducing drugs pumping through his veins! I am kidding of course it was nothing quite so dramatic, it was a reaction to bed bugs!
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